Director’s Chair
A Play in 1/2 Act
by Vic Love
©2013
Stage Players:
DIRECTOR
DIRECTOR’s ASSISTANT (ASSISTANT)
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT (P.A.)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (A.D.)
SCRIPT SUPERVISOR (SCRIPTY)
CAMERAMAN
A lonely CAMERAMAN meticulously sets up his rig in the distance.
A P.A. comes out and sets up the skeleton of a Director’s Chair. It is missing the canvas strips for the seat and the back, so the P.A. walks to a box in the corner and takes out the last piece of the chair, the canvas fabric.
The P.A. walks back to the director’s chair and attaches the fabric, now it is ready to be used for sitting.
The P.A. also affixes a drink holder, putting in a bottle of water.
We hear some muffled argument in the background as the P.A. puts a table in place next to the director’s chair and then pours a tall glass of milk and along with a plate of cookies and napkins thoughtfully puts it on a tray on the table.
The DIRECTOR comes out with his ASSISTANT who is holding the Script.
The Director drinks down his milk. He walks around the Director’s Chair.
ASSISTANT: Is this that special chair you told me about, sir?
DIRECTOR: Yes, it is. But what the fuck is this? (He refers to the fabric on the chair).
DIRECTOR: Did I say Green?
P.A.: Excuse me, sir?
DIRECTOR: Did I say green? Today is not a green day.
P.A.: But you said Green, sir.
DIRECTOR: I may not always remember everything, I’m Vitamin D deficient, but what’s your excuse?
P.A.: My dog died this morning, sir. But I think you said green.
DIRECTOR: I know What? What’s your name?
P.A.: It’s…
DIRECTOR: I don’t care, and NO! I said forest green (turns to his Assistant), did you hear me say green, did I say green or forest green?
ASSISTANT: I think you said forest green, sir.
DIRECTOR: (Turns to P.A.). And you got me… green.
P.A.: I perhaps didn’t hear the word “forest”, sir.
DIRECTOR: Perhaps does not live on my set! I haven’t even had a moment to think, and you’re already ruining my day. Tell me why I shouldn’t send you home for good?
P.A: I can go change it, sir.
DIRECTOR: I’ve changed my mind, I want the blue moss today.
CAMERAMAN: Why don’t you go for pink; you know you want to.
DIRECTOR: Kowalski, you’re fired, get off my set. You! Find me a new cinematographer.
CAMERAMAN: What the…, are you serious?
DIRECTOR: Get off my movie; that’s the last off color comment you’ll ever make to me.
CAMERAMAN: I’m leaving! But I’m calling the ASC, Local 600, and my rep as soon as I walk outta here; they’ll have you shut down before lunch time.
DIRECTOR: Fine! Stay then if you want to.
CAMERAMAN: Dickhead.
DIRECTOR: Asshole. (To P.A.). Why are you still standing here?
P.A.: Ummm…
DIRECTOR: Blue moss, do you know what color that is?
P.A.: Um, uh…a type of …green?
DIRECTOR: Good, go get it for me so I can sit down in my chair!(The DIRECTOR hands his ASSISTANT an empty glass of milk).
DIRECTOR: I am having such a bad day already.
ASSISTANT: Totally understandable, sir.
DIRECTOR: Can you go get me another glass of milk?
ASSISTANT: Where is my script girl? (A script girl walks in with her bag and her own chair).
SCRIPTY: Right here, sir! (She sets up her chair and puts down her things).
DIRECTOR: What color is your chair, is that blue?
SCRIPTY: Periwinkle, sir.
DIRECTOR: It looks like bl-ue. (The P.A. comes back with a blue moss cover).
DIRECTOR: I’ve changed my mind; thinking canary now, yes, that will match your periwinkle.
P.A.: Yes, sir, I’ll be right back. (The Assistant Director Enters).
A.D.: Good morning, sir.
DIRECTOR: Tell me what’s good about it?
A.D.: I thought the breakfast burrito was really good.
DIRECTOR: I missed out again! Damn it! So what are we doing first today?
A.D.: You wanted to do the scene where the…
DIRECTOR: Right, let’s do that one.
ASSISTANT: Here you go, your milk, sir.
DIRECTOR: Great. (Turns to A.D.). Green tea?
A.D.: Excuse me?
DIRECTOR: Green tea, would you like some green tea? This is a spring harvest of tips from the highlands of Assam.
A.D.: No, sir, thank you.
DIRECTOR: (To Assistant). Can you go get me some of my green tea, but hurry, get it before I finish my milk, ’cause I would like to add some of it to the tea!
(The P.A. comes back).
P.A.: I’m sorry, sir, I did not find canary, here are all the chair covers we have.
(The Director looks through it).
DIRECTOR: Well, we definitely had canary before.
P.A.: It wasn’t in the box, sir. (The Assistant walks away).
DIRECTOR: Okay, if canary is not available, we need an alternative, what do you think? (To A.D.).
A.D.: Red goes with periwinkle, sir,
DIRECTOR: Okay, put on that blue one, and we’ll be done with it.
(The P.A. puts the seat fabric on followed by the back).
DIRECTOR: What is wrong with this picture?
A.D.: That we’re not shooting yet.
DIRECTOR: (To P.A). I need you to take the back of that chair off, put on a temporary color we don’t like, and go and get the rest of these embroidered.
P.A.: What?
DIRECTOR: What? What does it say on the back of this chair?
P.A.: Um, nothing?
DIRECTOR: Exactly! What should it say?
P.A.: Um, director?
DIRECTOR: Oh good! There’s hope for you still.
(The Assistant returns).
ASSISTANT: Here is your green tea, sir.
DIRECTOR: Well, I already finished my milk. Can it possibly get worse, look at the back of the chair.
(To Assistant).
(The Assistant looks, expressing shock).
DIRECTOR: Am I the only one that notices anything around here? Anyway, I’m getting it embroidered. Or do you think silk screening is good enough?
ASSISTANT: Absolutely not, sir.
DIRECTOR: Me neither, embroidered it is! I guess we’ll use that awful green one for the back today, you can embroider that one when the others are done.
P.A.: Yes, sir. (He takes the blue one off and puts the green one on). Do you have a font preference sir?
DIRECTOR: Courier, of course, no wait…Helvetica, yes…no….Trajan. Trajan Bold.
ASSISTANT: A wonderful choice, sir.
(The P.A. walks out again).
DIRECTOR: (To Assistant). Would you go get some gaff tape and write ‘DIRECTOR’ on it and put it on the chair, wouldn’t you, in the meanwhile?
ASSISTANT: Yes, sir. (Walks out).
(The Director takes the script the Assistant leaves and drops it on the ground, then walks in front of the chair rubbing his chin, expressing frustration at the two different colors of his chair, blue for the seat, green for the back).
DIRECTOR: You know I really can’t stand when the drapes don’t match the curtains. Do your drapes match your curtains?
SCRIPTY: No, sir, I’m a blonde actually.
(The A.D. swoops in, picks up his script and hands it to him).
A.D.: (Into his walkie-talkie). I really need to get this moving. What’s the ETA?
DIRECTOR: Do you know why I dropped my script?
SCRIPTY: Weak fingers; my grandfather had that, but maybe in your case, I’d say, accident, sir?
DIRECTOR: No, no no, it because there’s no script bag on my chair! Do you even know what a script bag is?
A.D.: Oooh. I got this! It’s a satchel designed to affix to a director’s chair, much like this director’s chair, it is usually made of cloth or leather, and it is precisely engineered to just a tad bit larger than scripts which are standardized at 8.5 by 11 inches, as to ensure a tight secure fit. I’ll have one for you right away. (To walkie-talkie). What happened to the director’s script bag? Well find one….
SCRIPTY: Portabrace® makes a nice waterproof one now out of Spandex®, double-stitched, my Director on the last film had it.
DIRECTOR: The dolphin picture; it had a bigger budget than mine, but that’s only because it wasn’t on land. Scripty?
SCRIPTY: Yes…
DIRECTOR: Are you happy…with sitting on your blue chair?
SCRIPTY: Oh yes.
DIRECTOR: Are you sure, would you prefer a cushion?
SCRIPTY: I think I’m fine, sir.
(The Assistant walks in, puts the gaff tape on the chair and writes ‘DIRECTOR’ with a marker).
DIRECTOR: (Looking at the chair). My life is a disaster.
A.D.: Five minutes everyone, standby for rehearsal.
ASSISTANT: I’m sorry, sir.
(The Director takes a sip of his tea and spits it out).
DIRECTOR: Jesus, what kind of water is this?
ASSISTANT: It’s from the craft table, sir.
DIRECTOR: You know what kind of water I like.
ASSISTANT: I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, sir. I’ll get the structured micro-clustered crystal vortex ozonated sacred Native American naturally deuterium depleted alkaline glacial mountain spring water right away.
DIRECTOR: I like depleting deuterium while I direct, is that so bad?
(The P.A. comes back with 8 different chair fabrics embroidered with the world ‘DIRECTOR’.)
P.A.: Sir, you wouldn’t believe what I had to do to get the rush service, but I got them.
DIRECTOR: It’s about time, I was just going to fire you.
A.D.: We’re one minute away from places.
DIRECTOR: This is perfect. Now, all I need is to clear the space.
(The Director takes out a sage bundle, lights it with a lighter and begins smudging everything).
A.D.: I had a hairy hippy girlfriend in Maui that did shit like this. She smelled of Patchouli and Lavender. She shaved her pubes to make a merkin for the hairless, she was so selfless. (He breaks down emotionally). We were so perfect. Fuck me, where did I go wrong in my life? (Into walkie-talkie). Get me my actors, people!
DIRECTOR: Scripty, before we shoot this movie, I need to tell you something.
SCRIPTY: Yes, sir?
DIRECTOR: I know you would never admit it, but it’s okay to find me physically attractive.
SCRIPTY: That makes me relieved you say that, sir.
DIRECTOR: Will you run away to Cannes with me this year? My agent has a yacht and I’ve got a berth plus one.
SCRIPTY: I would, but my husband is Sicilian Catholic and his family owns a gun store.
A.D.: (Into walkie-talkie). Actors into position.
DIRECTOR: There you all are. Where is my star?
A.D.: We’re working on it.
(The Assistant takes a phone call).
DIRECTOR: (Addresses off-stage cast). Okay, well, I just want to say good morning to all of you and say you all look lovely, but your rehearsals were a bit weak. Do me a favor, and just, you know, exceed my expectations. Let’s prepare with some warm up exercises. Enunciate after me, pa, pe, pe, po, pu.
(They go through the motions of the call and response).
Good. And now a yoga pose I find great for acting warm ups; Simha the Lion! Stick out your tongue. Like this. Stick it way out good! Aaarrrrhhhh! Good. Now eyes, up, down, left to right, good, circles, other way, good. Feel your face awakening…
ASSISTANT: Sir, you’re not going to believe this, but it’s Mr. Spielberg, he just called; he knows you have his chair. He wants it back.
DIRECTOR: What? How did he find out I had it? (He pumps his fists in the air). S-T-E-V-E-N!
(He yells to the Cameraman who sits on a dolly next to his camera eating a sandwich).
It was you, Kowalski, wasn’t it? It was. It was! Of course! It was you! You’re mad you only get a day rate and no residuals, no back end deal, just pure jealousy. I know it was you Kowalski.
CAMERAMAN: Why don’t you sit on an apple box, asshole?
P.A.: I’ll go and get you a new Director’s Chair, sir.
DIRECTOR: Fine, just don’t give him any of my new embroidered covers. (He pulls off the fabric).
P.A.: Sir, if I may ask, what makes this Director’s Chair so special?
DIRECTOR: No you may not ask. But I’ll tell you anyway. It’s made from wood from the air layered clone of the seed of the seed of the tree under whose sheltered canopy Siddhartha Buddha gained enlightenment. It’s why Steven has all those Oscars.
P.A.: I think I saw another one on the truck that looked to be made of pine.
DIRECTOR: Sigh. Plebeian, but it will have to do. I’d like to find a Shaman to bless and dedicate it, do you know of any?
P.A.: No sir.
DIRECTOR: Scripty?
SCRIPTY: I’ve got this cousin from Cerritos, he’ll just need you to can bring a live chicken.
DIRECTOR: (Groveling) For the love of baby Jesus, why is everyone standing around? Where is my lead actress?
A.D.: We’re having a problem. (Into walkie-talkie). What do you mean she’s not happy with her makeup, it’s going to take me an hour to…
(The Director picks up one of the cookies and chews. With food in his mouth he manages to get out a sentence).
DIRECTOR: For the last time, what page are we on again?
SCRIPTY: One, sir!
DIRECTOR: I’m getting hungry….look, it’s almost Noon.
A.D.: Okay! That’s lunch, people!
THE END.